


Lie Or Die

by marfromthedepths



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Choking, Depression, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Logan wants to know everything, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Swearing, Which Deceit doesn't always like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-06-23 06:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15600774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marfromthedepths/pseuds/marfromthedepths
Summary: Deceit has many issues. Guilt, self-hatred, depression, and much more to add to that. At  a certain point in his life, though, things start to get... hopeless. When he finally has enough of this cycle of hurting other and getting hurt, he decides to break it. In the end, the only thing he broke, were him and the ones he tried to save from himself.Prompt, inspiration and other help by brussellsprouts on tumblr. https://brussellsprouts.tumblr.com/Please, do not read if this is not good for you. I don't want to make people hurt. I don't want people to feel bad for reading something I wrote. I don't want anyone to be hurt in general.Please stay safe.





	1. Faded

**Author's Note:**

> Side note: the whole prompt for this fic was just "Deceit x noose". Make of it what you like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Name of the title inspired by the song Faded by Alan Walker.

This was the last straw. This was the last time that he would feel this way. The last time that he would feel. The last time that he would hurt. 

It was so easy. Nobody would notice if he was gone. Nobody would check on him. It stung in a way, but he told himself that it didn't. No, he deserved this anyway, after what he'd done to them. 

What did he even do to them?

He manipulated them, alright. And yes, maybe it was for a good reason, but he was still wrong. He made an irreversable mistake and only treated them bitterly, which wasn't because of their hatred of him or anything. No, not at all.

So now he stood in his room, not sure where to go from here. He had so many options to choose from. Overdosing could be painful and sometimes take a while, and in some occations if you didn't take enough pills, you might just survive, so that was a no-go for him. 

Bleeding to death would also hurt a lot, though a part of him didn't care. Felt like he deserved it. He pushed that part away though, turning his head to his window. He could jump, but there have been instances in which people stay alive for a while before dying from their injuries. And where was he going to find a good place to jump from?

But he had another option. It was simple and if done right, he would die quickly. 

-

Patton had leashes, Deceit knew this. He had seem the father figure walking around with it once while walking a dog, so he knew he had one. He just needed to find it, and without being discovered no less.

Luckely the halls were empty. He quickly made his way in Patton's room, quietly closing the door behind him. 

He had expected that it would take lots of time to find a leash, but it hung on a small rack along with a collar. This was way easier than he thought. 

He took the leash and made his way out of there, only to be stopped by Roman of all people.

'Why do you have a leash?' The prince was clearly agitated, not trusting what the deceitful Side was doing. 

'I, uhm... I found a brown dog with white spots, and grey ears and paws. He was out there, lonely, and needed to go with me. See, he seems very hungry, and maybe he will trust me if I show him that I have a leash!'

The prince stared at him for a couple seconds, before smiling. 'That makes perfect sense.' 

Only that smile didn't last for long.

'Just know that I'm watching you, Truth-Intollerant.'

And just like that, the royal was gone.

-

Should he leave a note? That was the only question left on his mind as he stared at the long leash. A simple "fuck you" wasn't it: it needed to mean something. To show how he was feeling and what had led him to his decision maybe? Or just to tell them goodbye? 

He didn't have much time to think though. He was getting so close, and he didn't want to waste more time and hurt making this note. 

 

"For Thomas and my fellow Sides.

You've found me. Congratulations. I wonder how long it took you to do so. How long did it take to knock on my door? To call my name? To enter my room? I wish I could know.

But really, it doesn't matter. You won't have to deal with my shit anymore and Thomas can freely learn about the other "Dark Sides", as you had the audacity to call us. 

I'm done. I'm done with myself. I'm done with all of you. Although Thomas did nothing wrong. To him, I wish the best of luck. Maybe a new Side will form in my place. Maybe one of you can do the job. As long as you don't disappoint Thomas, like I did. 

-Deceit"

 

He redied the leash and stood on his desk. 

It will be quick. Just a couple seconds...

He moved one foot off the desk. He took a shuddering breath. This was it.

He let his other foot fall off the desk as gravity pulled him downwards.

\---

'Wait, Deceit was walking around with a leash?'

Roman nodded at the anxious Side. 'Yes, he told me that he found a dog. Appearantly it was hungry and he thought it might like him more if he had a leash.'

Logan frowned from his place next to Virgil on the couch, looking up from his puzzle. 

'That's... Odd.'

'Yes, appearantly it was brown with white spots, and there was also soms grey somewhere. Was it the paws? I think it was the paws.'

Virgil and Logan shared a look, both thinking the same thing.

'Too many details.'

Roman tilted his head slightly, not exactly knowing what they meant. Luckely, Logan could explain.

'Many people, when they lie, use too many details in their falsehoods. And knowing Deceit, he wasn't telling the truth.' Logan put his puzzle away, hoping the royal understood.

'Well,' Roman said, puzzled, 'then what else would he be doing with a leash?'

Oh, this did not feel well for Virgil. His anxiousness worsened with every possibility, and he hadn't noticed that he started whispering them while the others listened, Patton joining them too.

'Maybe he will set a trap, or- or maybe he actually has pets, but we've never seen them before, and what if he just steals it because he can? Maybe to anger Patton? Maybe he'll try to hang himself-'

He stopped himself there, clasping his hands in front of his mouth. No, he wouldn't. Would he?

Before he knew it, Logan and Patton raced upstairs, Virgil following them in an instant. He could just see how the prince's face has turned white, seemingly frozen in place before Virgil took his arm and dragged him along. 

Logan reached the door first, knocking urgently. 

'Deceit, open the door right now!' No funny business, as expected from him.

When they didn't get a responce in three seconds, Patton opened the door, beating Roman who was ready to burst it open if it was locked. 

And there he was.

-

It was terrifying. It was agonising. It was torment. 

Of course, his neck didn't snap and it wasn't over in a second. Why would it? Why would the universe help him in any way? So he hung there, clawing at the braided rope leash, unable to do anything but panic, no words coming out as all he could hear was a buzzing sound.

Of course, he still wanted to die, but this hurt so, so much, he couldn't handle it. He couldn't bare to wait for that sweet, sweet feeling of nothingness. Tears made their way down his face, making everything blurry before black spots were all he could see, and after what felt like hours, but was only around twenty seconds, he lost conciousness.

-

Thomas could feel the slightest tug on his neck, as if a long but thin strand of hair tried to wrap around his neck. It was weird, but he didn't think much of it. After around 20 seconds, the feeling was gone. He felt weird. 

He shrugged it off and got back to watching the show playing on the tv, oblivious to what was happening.


	2. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by Human by Christina Perri.

Their eyes landed on the barely struggling Deceit, all of their faces turning a ghostly white. His hands lowered as he slowly stopped struggling. In seconds, they were at his side, Logan and Patton making sure he could breathe by lifting him up in the air slightly, a gasp escaping the figure they were holding up. Roman grabbed his sword and tried to cut the rope in half, though the first time that didn't work. In the meantime, Virgil was helping Logan and Patton, not wanting to sit back and do nothing while the life of the deceitful Side was on the line. 

After a few more tries, the rope was cut, falling down and hanging limply around Deceit's neck while Patton and Logan held him, making sure he would not fall. Nobody commented on how tears were rolling down Patton's face, or how the royal's face has never shown this much fear before. Nobody said anything about how careful Logan was with Deceit as they brought his unconcious body to his bed before removing the limp rope, or how Virgil's eyes were filled with guilt and fear and sorrow.

Logan made sure that the marks left by the leash were taken care of. Deceit had been lucky, as the marks weren't as bad as some instances, but they would still hurt. He first made sure to clean them and cover them up with bandages, while Roman was keeping check of his pulse. Virgil held Patton, who was quietly sobbing against his shoulder, while keeping his eyes on the snake-faced Side. The tearstracks were the thing that stood out most for him. And while the anxious Side may have been on the verge of crying, caused by the shock and fear and sorrow, he didn't let that show. 

It took a minute or so to calm Patton down, but once he stopped crying and his breathing returned to normal, he stayed next to Deceit, wiping away the teartracks that were still slightly visible. He noticed the calm features of the scaled Side. He seemed so relaxed, even though he almost died. 

_He had tried to kill himself._

Patton held his hand and whispered soft "sorry"'s over and over again, before he softly begged him to wake up. None of them would leave that room before the Side woke up, they had all silently agreed. 

\---

The first thing he felt was the way his neck hurt terribly. How it felt like it was burned. He took a shaky breath but wasn't ready to open his eyes. He just wanted to drift back into the nothingness that was unconciousness.

What happened?

Oh.

Was he... dead?

No. He felt. He felt something. He felt his hand being squeezed softly. He heard sniffles. A voice. He heard a voice.

'It's alright, we're here. You're alright.'

The soft words almost soothed him, if only those words didn't hurt. He was still here. He was still alive. He was still stuck in this endless cycle of hurting and getting hurt. He failed. 

He wanted to scream. He wanted to get rid of all his anger and agony one way or another. 

No. He shouldn't. But... they already found him, maybe when he was still trying to get free, or after that. They had already seen him at his weakest. What was even the point of pretending then? A soft whimper left him, his voice protesting at the effort.

He slowly opened his eyes, recognising the dark ceiling of his room. It was... weird. He had expected to never see it again, but here he was. 

Letting his head drop to his left tiredly, he found a pair of brown eyes staring back at him, the glasses on the figure's face tilted slightly. 

'How are you feeling?' Patton asked softly, though it took Deceit a couple seconds to process the words. How was he feeling? Like shit. Like utter garbage. Like the biggest scum of the earth. What were they even doing here? Why did they go to him? Why did they save him? 

'Why didn't you just leave me to die?' 

His voice, hoarse and hurting, cracked on the last word. Tears stung in his eyes but he kept them in for now. Through the haziness he could see the other Sides, though. Patton, who was sitting in front of him, on his knees next to the bed, looked horrified, his eyes still red from crying minutes prior. Virgil, standing behind Patton while leaning against the wall, had a sorrowful expression on his face, his shoulders slumped. Logan sat on the chair at Deceit's desk, hands in his lap and his head down. Emotions were never his forté, after all. And lastly, Roman, who stood next to Logan's chair, looked like he was on the verge of crying. 

Patton squeezed his hand again, making sure that Deceit was looking at him.

'We would never do that. You don't deserve that. Nobody deserves that. We care about you.'

Deceit tried his best to shake his head. 'You never did,' he choked out, muscles tense.

It was silent for a moment, until the prince spoke up. 

'We care. Of course we care. You- we just...'

'You should have just left me there. I was- it was almost done. You ruined it. Why does everything have to be ruined for me?' And there the tears came. He turned his head to the other side, facing the wall. He curled up on himself, making himself as small as possible. If only he could just disappear. 

'Deceit-'

'What else do you have to say, /huh/?' The words were filled with poison, tears not stopping.

Patton took a deep breath, sitting down next to the curled up figure and putting his hand on the shaking Side's shoulder. 

'We want to help you. We really do. I don't know what is hurting you, but I want to help. We all do. But we need you to open up to us too. Can you please do that?'

Only he didn't want to. He already lost hope in a good future. But what other choice did he have?

'So do you just want me to suffer? Is that why you kept me alive? To make my life even more of a hell than it already is? I was ready to die. You can't even let me do that one thing!'

'You were in pain, Deceit.'

The only responce Patton got was a sniffle as Deceit's shoulders tensed up even more, the shaking getting worse. Oh, how much he hated those 20 seconds. If only he had done it right.

'I'm sorry, Deceit. But we're going to pull through, together.' Patton's hand ran through Deceit's hair, getting a shaky breath in return. 

'You-,' Logan spoke up, voice cracking slightly, 'I think Deceit should rest. A lot has happened, and maybe it would be good to process anything before moving forward.' He got a nod from Patton, which Virgil and Roman copied. 'Is that alright with you?' Patton asked, directed towards Deceit, still carding his hand through the Side's hair.

Deceit nodded, ever so slightly, before he buried his face in his pillow. He wanted them to leave him alone. He wanted to stop hurting them, and them to stop hurting him. It just all hurt so, so much.

'Alright kiddo, sleep well.'

Patton properly tucked Deceit in, before following the other Sides out of the room. And though many questions were plaguing him at this moment, one stood out. 

What was that paper Logan was holding?


	3. Already Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the song Already Gone (cover by Sleeping At Last, original by Kelly Clarkson).

As the left the room and made their way to the living room, Roman had composed himself, although he was still distraught by the whole situation. Virgil's state didn't seem to get better, though. It seemed like he was overwhelmed with guilt, something Patton also felt. 

Something about Deceit using _his_ leash made him feel even more responsible. Aside, of course, for not being there earlier to stop him from attempting such a thing. 

Logan sat down on the couch, the folded paper in hand. He stared at it, not saying a word and not giving anything away about how he was feeling. Roman was making them all drinks, hoping it would comfort them. Once they were all seated, Patton spoke up.

'What's that paper?'

It took Logan a couple moments to respond, and out of the corner of his eye, Patton could see Virgil sinking more into the chair he was sitting on. 

'I think, it's a suicide note.'

Quiet.

Logan had a tough decision to make. If he opened it, maybe he could know what was plaguing Deceit. That way, they could help him. But if he did, it may even upset them more. Maybe they would rather not know...

No. 

Knowledge was important. Maybe if only he read it, it wouldn't hurt the others. That sounded good. 

He carefully opened it, scanning the paper, twice, not giving anything away, before closing it.

'It says that he wishes Thomas the best of luck.'

...

'That's all?' Roman asked, uncertain.

Before Logan could react, Virgil snatched the paper and read it aloud. 

_"For Thomas and my fellow Sides._

_You've found me. Congratulations. I wonder how long it took you to do so. How long did it take to knock on my door? To call my name? To enter my room? I wish I could know."_

Patton moved his hand on front of his mouth, turning away.

_"But really, it doesn't matter. You won't have to deal with my shit anymore and Thomas can freely learn about the other "Dark Sides", as you had the audacity to call us."_

Roman felt his cheeks turn red from shame. He made so many assumptions. _Again._

 _"I'm done. I'm done with myself. I'm done with all of you. Although Thomas did nothing wrong. To him, I wish the best of luck. Maybe a new Side will form in my place. Maybe one of you can do the job. As long as you don't disappoint Thomas, like I did."_

It was hard for Virgil to get the words to come out of his mouth.

_"-Deceit"_

Logan shook his head and walked out, taking the note from Virgil's hand. Nobody followed him, deciding that maybe he could use some time for himself. It was a lot to take in, after all.

It took a couple minutes for Logan to come back. He was looking composed, but they all noticed the lost look in his eyes. They all sat down again, determined to make a plan. Nobody complained or question it. 

\---

It was as if someone took out his heart and squeezed it, until all the color dripped out and the only thing left was a black mess. That's how he felt at that moment.

Now the only thing he could do was think as the tears had long stopped running. Maybe he should try again, but with a different method. No, they would find out. They would stop him and this would all repeat.

But...

What if they didn't care?

Have they ever cared? Why is this the first time they seemed to care? Was it pity? To make themselves look like good Sides? Did they only do this because they felt it was their duty?

Those questions kept running through his head, until exhaustion took over and he returned to the sweet nothingness of sleep.

-

He woke up when someone shook his shoulder. Giving himself a moment to think, he pushed his head further in his pillow. They were here. To talk, probably. 

'Come on, wake up.'

'Go away.'

But Roman would not give up. 

'Get up or I'll have to use force. I'm not playing games with you.'

If Deceit wasn't still drowsy, he would have flipped the prince off. But now, he only grunted, moving away from the royal's hand. This annoyed the royal, who tried his best to stay calm. Luckely, Patton came to his aid.

'We got some medicine for your neck. I don't know if it still hurts, but Logan said it probably still does. We also got you something to eat. Do you maybe want a cup of coffee?'

He was... surprised. He was so nice to him. So kind and careful. It felt weird, and he wasn't sure if he liked it or not. But something inside him told him to sit up, for the others. 

Slowly but surely, Deceit let go of his pillow, turning around and sitting up. He rubbed his eyes, squinting at the light before his pupils adjusted. He could see Patton and Roman standing next to his bed, the former holding two small pills and a glass of water. 

Reluctantly, Deceit took them, the burning sensation around his neck still there from before he went to sleep. He gave the glass back, leaning back against the frame of his bed. He fumbled with his hands, the silence making him uncomfortable. Luckely, a couple seconds later, the other two Sides walked in, Logan holding a pen and notebook. Oh well, this was going to be fun.


	4. Everywhere I Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Everywhere I Go, a cover from Sleeping At Last. Original by Lissie.

'So,' Logan started, sitting down on the desk chair, 'how did you sleep?'

It was a smart tactic. Start with simple questions to make Deceit talk a little, letting him open up a bit. Then, it would most likely be easier to ask him the more... troubling quesions.

Deceit fell for it.

'Just, normal, I guess.'

Logan nodded and wrote something down. 

'If you want something to eat, you can just ask. We're not sure what your preffered food is, so we brought some soup,' the teacher pointed at Virgil, who held a bowl of tomato soup, 'as this may be better for your throat.'

Deceit absentmindedly nodded, the anxious Side putting down the bowl on the bedside table. After some thinking, Deceit decided that he could just as well try it. He hadn't eaten since this morning, and it was already...

He turned towards his clock, realising that it was already 5:13 PM, meaning that it was exactly 4 hours and 13 minutes after his attempt. It kinda stung in a way. He didn't know why though. 

The soup was just the right temperature. In the meantime, Virgil and Roman conjured chairs for themselves, while Patton just sat down at the end of Deceit's bed. 

In a minute, the soup was gone, Deceit having always been a fast eater. It surprised the others, but of course they didn't know. They didn't even remember ever eating with him, or how his snaketongue would first smell the air before he would start eating, something the snake-faced Side only dared to do in his own room. 

Putting the bowl back on his bedside table, Deceit sat up a bit more, knowing full well that they were going to ask him the questions he's been fearing they'll ask. 

'Deceit, we want to ask you some questions. We do that because we want to help you. Will you please collaborate and try to answer the questions as best as you can?'

Of course, Logan went straight _~~(hA)~~ _ to the issue. The snake-eyed Side could only nod in agreement, pursing his lips. They could only imagine how hard this had to be for him.

'Let's start with something easy, alright? Why 1 PM?'

Oof. That was a tough one.

'I could ask you the same thing though. Why would I choose 2 PM?'

Logan shook his head, staying composed. 'Please collaborate. This could be so much easier that way. If this conversation becomes harder that it has to be, it means that it will also take longer. I know you don't like this. I certainly don't. None of us do. But we need to talk.'

Oh. Right. They didn't like this either.

'Fine.'

With an approving nod, Logan repeated his previous question.

'Why 1 PM?'

'Lots of shit happens at 1 PM.'

'Please elaborate.'

'Where do we start... The first time I appeared, it was 1 PM. It was the first time Thomas, or me in that case, lied. Then, the first time I met all of you. 1 PM. The first time I was screamed at, one day later, was 1 PM. The seventh time that Roman shot a glare at me, was at 1 PM. There's so much more. It seems like 1 PM is just the time that the universe says: "See that guy? Let's make him suffer." So I felt that, if I died then, it was a "fuck you" to the universe.' He chuckled darkly. 'Seems like the universe got me again.'

That was a lot to take in. Logan wrote it all down. He did not know how to react though, so he just went to the next question.  
'Why today?'

'It's stupid.'

'No answers are stupid. Your answers are valid. Your _feelings_ are valid. We won't judge you, and we won't laugh. I promise.'

Deceit swallowed, fumbling with his hands again. 

'I was in the kitchen this morning. I wanted breakfast, but you were there. So I waited in the hallway. But then, when you were done, you turned around and saw me, and you-' he stopped himself there, shaking his head. 'Nothing. It's nothing. I just overreacted.'

Logan leaned forward. Inside, he was screaming at himself. Screaming at himself for making such a huge mistake. He knew what he'd done, but he needed to hear it from Deceit. To get confirmation that it was the thing that hurt him. To know for sure. He needed to know. He just _had to._

'No. Keep talking.'

'You turned away. But you looked at me for a second, I saw that. From the corner of you eye. Like I was planning something, and that I couldn't be trusted. As if any moment, I could point a sword or aim a gun at you. And when I didn't, you ignored me. Like I wasn't... worth it.'

He pursed his lips, keeping his head down, expecting the logical Side to tell him he was wrong, or how his actions were justified considering Deceit's reputation as the villain, but nothing came. So he continued. 

'And I think you were right. I'm not worth it.'

He had expected so much, but when he looked at his left, he hadn't expected Logan to be sitting with his head in his hands, pen and notebook having dropped to the ground. It was a side of Logan he hadn't had the chance to witness before. It shocked him. It may have even scared him a bit. He didn't know what Logan was going to do, if he was angry or sad or confused or something else. But if he looked closely, he could see the logical Side's shaking features and the way he tapped his foot in a certain rythm. He may have seen him do that before. He was convinced that it wasn't something good.

Virgil placed his hand on Logan's shoulder, but the teacher pulled away, shocked for a second, before bringing his arms to his sides with stiff shoulders and his head down. 

'I, I need a minute,' he muttered, rather quickly, before walking out of the room. It was obvious that he was trying to stay composed, but the faster-than-usual pace of his walking told them otherwise. 

Virgil quickly followed him, telling the others to stay where they were.

-

'I ruined it, I ruined it! I shouldn't have been so cold. I never should have acted like that. I should have seen it sooner. Now he almost died because of _me!'_

Logan paced down the hallway, hands in his hair and not watching where he was stepping.

'I fucked up! I _ruined him!'_

Suddenly, two strong arms held his hands, moving them away from his hair. Looking in front of him, Logan could see Virgil staring back at him. 

'Logan. Listen to me. We all made mistakes, but now we know. Now it is our duty to fix him. Understood? You just need to stay calm. We need your rational thinking.'

The teacher's shaking did not lessen, however.

'Virgil, he- he almost died. I saw it, with my own eyes. You did too. It hurts. It hurts so _fucking_ much. Is this how he felt? I need to know, Virgil!'

Instead of a vocal response, Logan felt himself being pulled into a hug, the only thing he could do was return it.

'I know. I'm also scared, Logan. I also messed up, you know? And maybe you can't always get an answer to all your questions, alright? This takes time, for all of us. But all we can do now is do our best. You're doing great, okay?' 

Virgil felt Logan nod against his shoulder, and they stayed there until the logical Side let go.

'Let's do our best, okay?'

Logan smiled softly as Virgil wiped the stray tears on his face away. Nobody needed to know..

-

In Deceit's room, they had been able to hear parts of their conversation. The guilt Logan felt, was something that seemed foreign to Deceit. He had never expected the logical Side to be so... emotional. And it was even weirder to hear that the other Side actually seemed to care for him. But the worst part was when he realised just how badly his attempt seemed to affect the logical Side. He had seen him there, after all.

The door opened, all of the Sides in the room looking up. 

'I'm sorry for that... outburst.'

Sitting on his chair, he took the pen and notebook and wrote something down, before looking at the snake-eyed side.

'I'm extremely sorry for my treatment of you. I realised my mistakes and promise to do everything in my control to make you feel worthy of your place here. If you don't forgive me, that is completely reasonable, though.'

Wow. 

Deceit had not expected that. 

'I forgive you.'

The relief on Logan's face was something none of them missed.

'Thank you. Let's continue.'


	5. Earth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Earth from Sleeping At Last.

'Was this the first time you've thought of suicide?'

That one was a big blow to the chest. Another chuckle left his lips.

'Fuck no.'

The certainty in which he spoke the words was almost scary. It meant that he had been thinking about ending it all for some time now. 

'Have you ever attempted to end your life before?'

'No, this was my first attempt.'

'Have you harmed yourself before?'

Oof. 

He turned away.

'No.'

'Deceit... We need you to be honest. We won't judge you. We're here to listen. Have you harmed yourself before?'

Seems like Logan could look through his lies a bit easier than he thought. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he pulled his sheets a little closer, as if trying to hide himself.

'I have,' he all but croaked out, it being something he wasn't proud of. 

'In what ways, and when?'

Deceit shook his head. 'I don't... want to talk about it. Is that...'

'Okay? Of course it is. We don't need to know all the details right away, of course. And like Virgil said, this takes time. I am very thankful for you still answering the questions, though. I suppose this is already a step forward, don't you think?'

A soft nod was the only response, as he put his arms around himself. Patton placed a reassuring hand on his leg, showing his support.

'I think I'll start with dinner. Any preferences?'

Nobody replied. 

'How about some hamburgers and fries? Virgil, you wanna help?'

Nobody complained, and Virgil followed Patton out of the room. 

'Deceit, I need to see how your... bruises are looking. Is that okay with you?'

He didn't really want to, but he complied. He moved to sit on the edge of his bed, Roman and Logan moving to sit next to him. 

'Why did you even put bandages around them? They didn't bleed, right?' Deceit grumbled while Logan removed the old bandages.

'To make sure. Now sit still, please,' Roman responded, applying some kind of ointment on the marks, being careful as to not hurt the deceitful Side any further.

'If I died, would you be sad?'

The question, appearing seemingly out of nowhere, hit hard on the teacher and the prince.

'Of course,' both echoed, shocked expressions on their faces.

'Oh.'

...

'If I hurt one of you, and then killed myself, would you be sad? Even if I left a note saying "fuck you" on it?'

Roman frowned.

'Where is this coming from?'

'I asked first.'

Roman and Logan shared a look, both unsure what the snake-like Side was doing.

'I mean, yea. Nobody deserves to die.'

'Hm.'

...

'If I am going to kill someone you love, and the only way to stop me is to kill me, would you do it?'

'There would always be another option,' Logan carefully spoke. 'The world isn't black and white. Just because you can't see an option at the moment doesn't mean you need to use the first alternative you can find.'

'Alright.'

...

'If I died, what if-'

'Deceit.'

Logan's voice was a bit more cold than he meant too, making Deceit flinch ever so slightly.

'Let me ask _you_ a question. If any of us died, would you be sad?'

'Yes. I would.'

There was a softness in his voice. One they hadn't heard before.


	6. Saturn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by Saturn from Sleeping At Last. (Yes. Sleeping At Last again. I know. It's good inspiration.)

Dinner was... okay.

The food was good, don't get him wrong. He ate a relatively good amount.

It was just uncomfortable.

He could feel their eyes drifting his way every time they would look up from their food, how they checked his plate every minute or so and how they tried to include him.

He had seen them eating dinner before, and knew how they would always talk during dinner, but now they were less talkative. No "What did you do today, Roman" or "Did you know that male ants are called alaetes, and that they have wings, existing for the sole purpose of reproduction". Just simple "Can you pass the ketchup"'s and "Fry me a river"'s thrown around, not much being said, so he kept quiet.

Not like he really wanted to talk to them anyway.

Afterwards, when he wanted to clean his plate, they told him that they would do it for him. He frowned but complied, feeling like if he didn't agree, they would get mad at him. So he sat down on the couch while the table was being cleaned and the dishes were being put in the dishwasher. He knew that they didn't need all four to do the job. He knew that they would take shifts cleaning up. He knew that there would be a maximum of two Sides cleaning up after dinner. But of course, they did not know that he knew all that.

He assumed that they wanted to talk about him. Maybe he didn't eat enough to their standards, or too much, maybe he annoyed them or just made them uncomfortable. He didn't know, but he was convinced that they were talking about him, and not in a good way. 

He summoned his notebook and pen from his room to distract himself, not wanting to think about anything else.

-

Sure enough, they were indeed talking about him.

'He ate very well. Way better than I expected.'

'Yea, but the poor guy was so unhappy! Did you see how much he sank down?'

'Yes, Patton. But, unfortunately, we can't fix him instantly. It takes time, and he will need to get used to this.'

Patton sighed, knowing that Logan was right. 

'We should skip movie night. The guy needs sleep. Sorry, Princey.'

'You're right, Virgil. And we can't have one without him. After all what happened today, if we do that, it would only make him think we don't care about him.'

They all agreed, walking back into the living room. Deceit was sitting on the couch, reading something in a notebook with a grey hardcover.

'Watchu reading~?' Patton sat down next to him, though respecting his personal space. 

'Just, uhm, writing, nothing important.'

'Oh, but it's something you wrote down. That's still important, right?'

'It's uhh, not the best I think.'

'Well I'd love to hear it from you, whatever it is,' Patton encouraged Deceit, smiling brightly.

'It's just a little, uhh, poem, I guess you could call it that.'

'Could you read it to us?'

All the Sides were now in the living room, Roman sitting next to Patton on the couch, Virgil and Logan both seated on a chair. They silently watched Deceit weight his options, looking from Side to Side, before looking back at the slightly ripped papers of his notebook. He took a deep breath and did as he was told, not knowing that he actually had a chance in the matter. Or at least, not taking and risque chances.

"The dark blue sky outside my window  
Slight hints of light flying along  
The stars my only company  
And the night just seems too long"

His voice was soft in the beginning, and he was mentally kicking himself whenever he tripped over the mumbled words. 

"Meanwhile the planets make their rounds  
Their moons will follow lead  
They never leave their planet's side  
And circle them at their own speed"

They were all captivated by the sentances coming out of his mouth, as a bit more certainty entered Deceit's voice. 

"And Saturn smiles at all his moons  
They smile back and his rings will hum  
The planets dance and stars will cheer  
And all the pain will numb"

Now his voice was at regular volume, and he made less and less mistakes.

"And twenty-nine long years will pass  
As all will grow under his grace  
But after twenty-nine years of long waiting  
I still feel out of place"

You could almost see the exact moment that the Sides' expressions changed to guilty and sorrowful. Deceit's expression changed most of them.

"But unlike Saturn and his rings  
My singing of their songs will cease  
I wish next Saturn's cycle  
To be twenty-nine long years of peace."

He glanced around, afraid of what they'd say but also hoping for approval. Was this good? It probably wasn't. 

'That is magnificent.'

Roman was the first one opening his mouth. He was amazed by Deceit's poem, wanting to hear more.

'Did you, by any chance, write this on Thomas' birthday?'

Deceit nodded, before looking back at the page. 

'That is incredible,' Logan mumbled. 

Patton just stared at the pages, eyes tracing every word over and over again.

'No more of this.'

'What?'

'No more keeping your feelings and issues to yourself. We are here for you and will help you in any way we can.'

'You already said that...'

'Because it's important. And I won't ever get bored of saying that.'

Patton took Deceit's hand in his own after the snake-eyed Side shook his head in disbelief.

'I won't ever get sick of being here for you. I will be here, and you can always ask for help. Even if it's in the middle of the night.'

Deceit kept his eyes on his notebook. Patton closed it, making the other Side look at him.

The father figure could see the confusion in the others eyes very clearly.

'What's bothering you, kiddo? I know that look.'

Said Side tried to avoid Patton's eyes as he pursed his lips.

'I don't get it,' he admitted softly.

'What don't you get exactly?'

'Just- all of this. I'm scared.'

Patton smiled gently.

'What do you need right now?'

Deceit shook his head.

'I don't know.'

'Would a hug help?'

Oh. 

He doesn't even remember the first time he's been hugged.

'You don't?' Roman asked quietly.

Turns out he said that out loud.

'Would you like one?'

Patton spread his arms, a warm smile on his face. Deceit couldn't say no so he slowly put his weight on Patton's chest.

Gentle arms embraced him, a soft gasp escaping Deceit. So this was what he missed out on, all these years? He felt a hand carding through his hair, it somehow feeling better this time, and leaned into the touch. He pushed his face against Patton's shoulder, the softest smile he ever had on his face.

A shuddering breath left him as he returned the hug. He felt Patton moving, and held him tighter, practically clinging to the fatherly Side. He finally felt safe. He didn't want this to end. 

'Don't go, please,' he whimpered, before realising that maybe the friendship of the other Sides, the jokes they made and the comfort they shared, could maybe be a reason to live. Just maybe...

'I'm not leaving, kiddo, I'm here,' he heard Patton whisper, at which Deceit dared to relax his grip on the other.

'Thanks,' he whispered back, letting the scaled side of his face rest against Patton's chest, feeling his calming heartbeat and his breathing following the other's. Only then did he notice that the other Sides had left.

'If you get sick of me, just tell me.'

A soft gasp escaped Patton, before the hand previously carding through his hair started rubbing his shoulder. 

'I won't ever get sick of you.'

'But if I ask too much, or if I'm too clingy, or-'

'If you ever overstep my boundaries, I will tell you so. And the others are also here for you, remember? I'm sure they won't be opposed to a hug once they get to know you better!'

Deceit felt a smile slowly making its way up his face. Maybe, just maybe, he wasn't alone after all...

'What happens now?'

It took Patton a couple seconds to answer that question.

'We will help you heal, and make life better for you. Just, please... don't do _that_ again. It scared me.'

It hadn't only scared Patton. Deceit still remembered how it felt. It was terrifying and the most painful experience in his life. He had been so, so scared. 

'Oh, kiddo,' Patton muttered as fresh tears rolled down Deceit's face, the Side trembling against the father figure. 'I'm sorry... I shouldn't have- I didn't want to upset you.'

Deceit just shook his head, still holding on to Patton. It took some time for Deceit to stop crying, Patton wiping away the tears and muttering reassuring words, softly rocking the Side back and forth. 

'If I ever do something, uh, _dumb_ again, please...'

'I will be there. We will help you.' 

Deceit felt his eyes growing tired and allowed himself to completely relax against the fatherly figure. He had never felt this good before. Patton pressed a soft kiss on his head.

'Even if it's in the middle of the night.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "What do you need right now" is something my mother would say whenever I was really sick or sad. "Even if it's in the middle of the night" is something she always told me, since I was a kid. The poem Deceit made was mine.


	7. Lead The Fight On

Patton smiled as he saw Deceit's eyes closing, and how not soon after, his breathing evened out and he was fast asleep. The tiniest smile on the deceitful Side's face made him only more determined to help Deceit heal.

Virgil entered the room after checking if Deceit was already asleep, bringing a blanket along as he started whispering to Patton.

'Roman and Logan are still in Deceit's room, they asked me to check up on you. Can you handle this?'

Patton smiled up at Virgil.

'Is there a time in which I won't? Just don't talk about the incident, okay? He started crying when I mentioned it, poor guy. But he trusts me now, he even asked me for help in case he ever does something bad again!' Patton whispered back, shining with pride.

'But you must let us help too. I know how you get. You want to help everyone and then it hurts you in the process.'

The fatherly Side's smile faltered a tiny bit. 'Yea, I kinda tend to do that, but I promised him that I will tell him whenever he oversteps my boundaries.'

Virgil nodded, before throwing the blanket over both Deceit and Patton, who was now laying down against one of the many couch pillows.

'If you need us, you know where to go.'

-

'Roman do _not-_ aaand you broke it.'

Both Sides stared at the broken plant pot, dirt everywhere. Logan looked up at Roman and frowned, arms crossed.

'What did I tell you?'

'But there was a bug!'

Logan deadpanned, tapping his fingers on his arm and his foot on the floor. 

'We are here to get rid of anything that could harm Deceit, not destroy everything he has.'

Roman pouted, feeling guilty. 

'Maybe he won't notice?'

Logan groaned and picked up the plant. 'Just get a new pot...'

'But the bug!'

'For f- whatever, okay, we'll get the bug. As long as Deceit stays downstairs it doesn't matter anyway. Now where is it?'

Logan helped Roman catch the bug, putting it in a nice container for the time being, as Logan wanted to learn move about the creature before letting it go, then fixing the plant pot and putting it back.

Only then did they realise how the room was... off. Bland. Boring. Dead.

'How could someone live in a room that is so devoid of, of anything?' Roman wondered as Virgil walked in. 

'Hmm... you're kinda right. A little decoration besides that plant wouldn't hurt.'

Roman's face lit up, making Virgil groan.

'No Roman, we are _not_ going to "upgrade" this room. It's his room and we should respect that.'

'But wouldn't that make him happy? A new room, as a metaphor for his new life? To show him that we care about him and would do all this work for him?'

Virgil had to admit, it was a good idea. In the end, they spend almost two hours on Deceit's room, checking on said Side and Patton every half hour. The first time they checked, Patton was already asleep, holding Deceit in his arms.

\---

Warmth.

That was the first thing Deceit felt as he awoke from his deep slumber. Only the floor was slightly uncomfortable.

Wait a minute.

Floor?

Sluggishly opening his eyes, he felt a soft rug under him. He didn't want to get up though, so he adjusted his position until he was comfortable. In all honesty, _~~(hA!)~~ _ it felt kinda comfortable. 

He had almost drifted back to sleep until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He groaned, not wanting to get up yet. 

'Morning,' Patton sluggishly said, already having put his glasses on, 'you shouldn't sleep on the floor.' Deceit just huffed in responce, burrying his face in his arms. Before he knew it, he was lifted off the ground and sat down onto the couch, only not by Patton.

'Good morning, our resident snake, it is 10:43 and time for breakfast,' the prince smiled at Deceit, bowing down with his right arm folded against his chest and his left arm motioning towards the table, which was already set.

'Can't even give a warning,' Deceit snickered, half agitaded for being awoken so suddenly, half grinning at the way Roman stood. Rubbing his eyes and letting out a yawn, it took a couple moments to realise that Logan and Virgil were already sitting at the table, and that there were five chairs.

Five chairs. 

Huh.

Wait.

'Oh shit, you're waiting for _me!'_

Virgil let out a muffled laugh behind his hand, and Logan chuckled softly.

'Yea, and our partially-asleep padre over here,' Roman grinned, Patton ruffling his hair with a smile on his face makin the royal jump back and desperately try to fix his hair.

Deceit got up and stretched his limbs, before walking over to the free chair at the table, all the others already seated. Fixing his hair quickly, he sat down, looking at everything standing on the table. They didn't always do breakfast like this, he knew, but he supposed he knew why.

_Pity._

'Anything you like?' Virgil asked, pointing at the food. Deceit just shrugged in response. 'Cereal's good I guess,' he said, taking the milk and cereal that Logan handed him. They all started eating, and the more time progressed, the more the Sides had started to wake up and the more they talked with each other. Deceit stayed quiet, keeping his eyes down at his food. The others noticed this too and tried to include him by asking his opinion on certain topics, but he never responded much. It felt weird. He was not supposed to be here. He is not one of them. _The only reason I'm here is because they pity me and feel like they need to help me to be a good person and they don't really care about me-_

'Deceit?'

Snapping out of his thoughts and snapping his head up, he could see four figures behind a wall of tears that he tried to keep in, all looking in his direction. If the tears hadn't blurred his vision, he'd be seeing their concerned stares and sorrowful eyes.

He moved his head away, brushing away the tears with his left hand as he kept his eyes on the floor on his right.

'What's bothering you, buddy?' Patton spoke up, the tone of his voice soft.

'Nothing, just forget about it.'

Logan frowned, before carefully putting his hand on Deceit's shoulder.

'Feelings are valid,' he reminded him, eyes serious. It made Deceit want to sink through the ground, to disappear on the spot. He felt his face heating up with shame as he moved Logan's hand away, not because he didn't appreciate the human contact, but because he didn't want to look too needy, too weak, too... 

_Desperate._

'You only care about me because I tried to kill myself, because you _pity me.'_

All the other Sides were shocked to hear that. It took a couple seconds, but Roman spoke up.

'That's not true, Deceit. We just... didn't know what we know now. We weren't aware of your state of mind, but now we are and now we can help. If you had told us, we could help!'

'Oh, so if I came up to you and told you I wanted to die, would you believe me? Would you think I was looking for attention? To make you feel sad for me? Because be realistic, that's what would happen.'

Deceit stood up and put his hands behind his back.

'Roman, I must admit something to you. It's rather personal, please don't laugh.' He then turned himself into Roman, moving a step to the right. 'I-I guess?'

Deceit turned back into himself, taking a step to the left. 'Thanks. I've just been... feeling bad lately. Not just bad, but extra bad. I-I can't sleep, if I do it takes a lot of effort to get out of bed, I keep getting these outbursts of sadness, I'm... I'm depressed. I want to die. I'm scared.'

Though his face stayed expressionless, the emotion in his voice was real. He turned back into Roman, a step to the right. 

'Are you...' "Roman" took a moment to think, before continuing. 'Are you serious?'

Back to Deceit.

'I am. Please. I don't know what I should do.'

And back to Roman.

'I'm sure it's not that bad. Maybe your Dark Side buddies' tricks are rubbing off on you.'

'Roman, _please,_ I _need_ help!'

'Then why go to me? You have your own friends.'

And he turned back into himself once again, before sitting down, continuing his meal.

'That wouldn't happen.'

Deceit turned to Logan. 'Oh yea? How are you so sure?'

'Well how are _you_ so sure?'

'Because-'

'Enough!'

The two stayed quiet after Virgil's outburst.

'We care about you. Not just because you almost died.' Virgil's voice was soft, caring. Deceit did not know what to do with that.

'Okay.'


End file.
